It was always hard to choose to lose people before they force me to. Fear of making the wrong judgement or any at all made me always wait. On a second look, it is the fear of losing something more than the decision itself that pushed my overly scientific mind to be harmfully extra patient to find excellent reasons or shall I say, facts. After many disappointments and eye-opening experiences with the nature of humans, I figured that "losing" does not need reasons really for it to happen. No matter how perfect, how careful or how still you try to be, it still happens. I went back in memory, to days when I used to analyse a conflict to figure out some formula to avoid problems next time, the interesting thing is that next time, and even without a reason, "losing" just happens.
So, what is loss really...what did I grieve, and why and why was it so important to me not to? With a very bold move, I went back in memory to the most painful, reckless and stupid decision I ever made. The decision to speak up is what saved not only my life but many others in the future. Yes, it was a bad experience full of abuse as I was exposed to heavy victimisation and discrimination away from my support group and family, but at least that damage was manageable. I thought the worst that could happen was to lose my job, but only by walking through fire did I truly re-evaluate my priorities and changed my thinking and plan in life. Actually what I regretted then is going through a hell of an experience and losing that person, remembering only the good things. Only now, after finally having access to the truth and leaving, I realised that the only wrong decision I ever made is wrongly seeing that person. I cannot express how painful and relieving the truth was. It is only now that I could finally have some peace that I lost nothing...all I lost was fake, fraudulent and dishonest...spoiled to the core... on the other hand, all they lost was real, original and precious. Thank GOD that loss had happened to clear up some space in my life to live, be happy, and be safe. That reckless move that I blamed myself so much and others made sure I do, turned out to be the only survival boat available at that time, that day and that week, before any intelligent moves could have been taken but too late. Time was the only thing to prioritise, that was the only right move taken and I admit that all decisions taken after were wrong, including staying to face the challenge and not leaving one of the most corrupt, unethical and discriminative institutes that suck the life out of people for their "one group". I remember that there have been days in which I was face to face with beautiful scenes and could not see the beauty in them. I could not taste or feel them. The truth is I would have never been able to strongly defend myself and survive without such a challenge but also I would have never healed if I was to settle in the same environment that caused me sickness. Maybe this whole journey of pain was just to drive me away from not only toxic people but also continuing to be toxic to myself by staying the same person with the same thinking and logic in life, and so I had to change.
The bottom line is, stop blaming yourself, stop regretting and keep moving, keep your health and happiness and fall in love with things you used to be passionate about, with life, this world and yourself again. It could be that loss has to happen sometimes, to have some space, some light and air to be able finally to b r e a t h.
